What is your definition of “loneliness”?
Some may say it’s the feeling of being alone in a quiet room. Others may say that even when surrounded by many friends, they still feel like no one understands them. And some who already have a soulmate may still feel lonely from time to time. These could be the varied definitions of loneliness, depending on how one feels. But no matter how it manifests, loneliness is not a pleasant experience and people tend to try to avoid it.
Psychiatrist Karin Arndt shared about her patients’ “fear of being alone” (FOBA). In recent years, countless patients have come to her with anxiety and fear of being alone, saying they feel uncomfortable spending time with themselves. Most try to avoid solitude – some leave the TV on when alone in a room, some seek out friends even if they don’t enjoy their company much. One patient even confessed she decided to have a baby mainly so she wouldn’t have to be by herself.
In Karin’s view, the fear of being alone or FOBA isn’t discussed much, especially in this age of instant connectivity where we post online to affirm our virtual existence – making true solitude even harder. She agrees with writer William Deresiewicz who said in his essay “The End of Solitude” that:
“The more we keep loneliness to ourselves, the less able we are to deal with it.” She suggests that often, the solution to loneliness lies not in other people, but in how effectively we handle solitude.
Sociologist Elyakim Kislev, author of “Happy Singlehood,” adds that if we don’t learn to combat FOBA ourselves and keep looking to others for the answer, our lives may fluctuate and fall short of our dreams for 5 key reasons:
- It can lead us to choose the wrong romantic partners, thinking anyone is better than being alone. FOBA may prevent us from patiently waiting for someone truly right for us.
- It often leads to failed relationships, fearing that speaking our minds or being ourselves may prompt the other to leave.
- It can lead to constant Fear of Missing Out (FOMO) and comparative unhappiness, unable to appreciate what we already have.
- It may be a sign we don’t know ourselves well enough. Avoiding solitude deprives us of exploring our inner truths.
- It often makes us opt for playing it safe. Fearing eventual solitude may stop us from taking chances upfront.
The great irony is that in today’s hyper-connected world, many are plagued by a loneliness epidemic.
Social media allows us constant opportunities for communication, yet rising rates of depression and anxiety reveal an emptiness within. We fill roomy homes with Alexa’s and TV’s buzzing in every corner, anything to punctuate the stillness. Seeking crowds for relief, only to feel lost in their chatter.
Why do we dread aloneness when technology has dissolved so many barriers to companionship?
Part of it is an inability to truly know ourselves. Avoiding solitude deprives us of those quiet spaces for inward exploration central to contentment. And until coming to terms with our inner truths, it is difficult embracing others’.
But also, the more we hide loneliness, the less equipped we are to tame it. Only in courageously confronting our demons can we prevent their control.
So while warm bonds undoubtedly enrich life’s fabric, in excess their pursuit can leave core holes unpatched. For connectivity alone cannot fill the wells of wisdom, self-knowledge, and direction so vital to prospering both with others and apart.
The calling of this peculiar age, then, is towards daring to disconnect in order to reconnect on a higher plane — one where our sole company finally feels like enough.